Twas the morn after christmas
And I was a mess
And I couldn't remember
A thing I confess

The kitchen was torn up
The bedroom was trashed
On the wall in the bathroom
The mirror was smashed

The curtains were torn down
The windows were bare
And through one broken pane
I could feel the cold air

I walked through the house
As best i could manage
Frowning and scowling
Assessing the damage

Bottles and cans
Littered the floor
Empty containers
Of liquor galore

The computer was wrecked
The screen was smashed in
The stereo belched forth
Black smoke from within

I cursed and I swore
Raised my hands to the skies
When out in the backyard
I heard drunken cries

I went towards the back door
And fell on my rear
When I tripped on a can
That had been emptied of beer

I finally made it
To the porch in the back
And noticed an empty
Red velvet sack

Out on the lawn
Laid out on the grass
Some elves a few reindeer
And Santa's fat ass

"You bastard, you scoundrel,
you son of a bitch
I oughta roll your fat ass
Right into a ditch"

"Slow down there, jack"
Came Santa's reply
"You even come near me
I'll tear out your eyes"

"You asked us to join you
for a couple of beers"
And he screamed some obscenities
That reddened his ears.

He stood up and stumbled
Retrieved his red sack
He walked past a reindeer
And gave it a smack

"Wake up, you dumb bastard
we gotta go
the weatherman said there's
a good chance of snow"

Once all his helpers and deer
Were awake
He hopped on his sleigh
Releasing the brake

As the sleigh started moving
I shouted "I'll sue you, I will!"
He gave me the finger and said
"Send me the bill!"

Written by Rathwel Dec. 2004

Sirens blare are ya listenin'
On my brow sweat is glistening
Whats goin'on?
I'm parked on my lawn
And santa claus is dead beneath my truck


In the bar I was drinking
What the hell was I thinking?
The cops are real near
I still smell like beer
And santa claus is dead beneath my truck


I really don't know why the guy was out there
Standin' like a jockey on my grass
I hit the gearshift but the truck goes nowhere
Now I know they're gonna fry my ass


In a cell now I'm waitin'
While the jury is debatin'
I won't be released
For twenty at least
Cause santa claus was dead beneath my truck

Hark! The little children sing
“What on earth did santa bring?
Some pairs of socks a sweater too
Just like we said not to do"
Angry are the childrens cries
Getting presents they despise;
With despondance they all say,
“What a crappy Christmas Day”


Refrain

(With despondance they all say,
“What a crappy Christmas Day”)

Santa must be going mad;
Leaving gifts that suck so bad
We hope his sliegh runs out of gas
We wanna watch that moron crash
Our parents are as bad as he
Giving books on history
A bike or skates would have been swell
Now we hope they go to hell
Refrain

We were good for the whole year
While our dad got drunk on beer
And our mom she slept around
With every single man in town
Dad received a watch of gold
And mother got an ermine stole
This holiday it really stinks
Who the hell wants shrinky-dinks?
Refrain

We'll get even just the same
When the house goes up in flames
We'll spike dad's beer with arsenic
And watch as he gets slowly sick
We'll post those pics of Mom and Bob
The guy who did the roofing job
As for Santa we can't wait
For him we have a special fate


Refrain

We'll say he touched a naughty place
And watch the blood drain from his face
We'll poison all his reindeer feed
There won't be left a single steed
Then we'll call up INS
About the elves from Budapest
Keep your gifts fat old slob
Cause when we're done you'll have no job
Refrain

Greeting Cards For Men

Complicated

Dopey Antelope

Stealth Octopus